i really

i really don't think this is a possibility
for me.

i

i can't even begin to
try.


not even now.




or now.

10

10 images. One person.

Ten Times

record of items encountered in allegheny commons park

america

a litany of litter lines the grass by the sidewalk
i read somewhere at least we're winning the war
on the environment
and i guess this is reflective of that
but the light catches on the discarded
campbells soup pull tab lid
three business cards of one sgt joshua d garma
us army recruiter reminds me of the wars
we aren't winning (poverty, iraq)
the half page torn from an activity book
an alphabetic list of fairy tale terms
(cinderella to rip van winkle)
for the missing search
no prince is coming
the sun barely shines
but the trail of lottery receipts
is the american tenacity
for hope in spite of odds

I did.
- lost & error-

she didn't hear it.

Today I found myself challenged in my endeavors to give everyone the benefit of the doubt; to be understanding of circumstances that I don't understand and haven't lived; and to not let negativity I cannot control get under my skin. I had a difficult morning and was a little beside myself anyway - I was running late and was a little disoriented; I took a route unfamiliar to me and almost got off on the wrong stop several times. When I got off at the correct spot, I exited the station from the wrong direction and took a minute to get my bearings. Also,  it was cold today and I hadn't dressed properly for it. Because of my lateness, I started walking quickly down the street. As I passed the McDonald's (perhaps the Dunkin' Donuts) a man exited quickly ahead of me and started screaming. Literally yelling at the top of his lungs in the direction of a blonde woman, who walked nervously ahead of him. I followed slowly behind, not wanting to catch his attention. When I had the chance, I crossed the street. The blonde woman turned a corner and someone told the yelling man to stop hassling her. Then he turned and saw me. He followed me for about a block, yelling at me; calling me a "devil white woman" and saying that I was a sex fiend, a necrophiliac, that my mother was a whore. Needless to say, having a complete stranger focus all of their anger and hatred solely at you is unsettling. People were beginning to notice and a woman offered to walk with me until I had gotten to my destination. She tried to make me feel a little more comfortable told me that she'd make sure he didn't do anything. A man who had been walking behind us stopped the yelling man and tried to talk him down, eventually getting him to stop shouting. What I really appreciated was that these two people got involved in a charged and somewhat frightening situation by trying to comfort and diffuse - not by starting a fight or yelling back. It made the experience almost OK; knowing that people won't hesitate to step in and help another person. I do hope that the yelling man finds some help (I assume that he needs it) and support. Today though I would like to compliment the strangers who helped me - I only got to say a sort of meek "thanks" before they walked away. What great people to be willing to get themselves involved in a very uncomfortable situation in order to help someone they don't even know. Something like this really encapsulates the experience of living in a big city - full of scary and unknown elements but still with a sense of community and love. 

A tribute to the "Log Lady"

NOVEMBER 19, 2008 - 4:00p-5:00p

4:00p sharp...
- listening to max richter's "blue notebooks" album... nice, wistful, contemplative later fall afternoon music...
- thinking about what this will teach me...
- chatting with my younger brother, telling him i have to go...

4:02p
- preparing things to bike up to albany park... spending the night at a friend's apartment to watch over cat and feed it...

4:08p
- while grabbing book to study for art history exam tomorrow, broke a glass bird that was given by my mom to sadie. fuck! very frustrated and annoyed that i was so clumsy. thought about how everything is essentially "breakable" ... calmed down and accepted my mistake.

4:11p

- still preparing things and figuring out whether i need certain items.

4:14
- max ricther turning into bum out session. changing to something more uplifting. decided against because the next track was happier.

4:15p
- thought about the idea of logging time and how that is interpreted. do i log every moment? i just used the bathroom for instance. is that necessary? decided yes.

4:16p
- stopping to think. stopping. closing eyes. listening to the music playing.

4:17p
- conscious breathing. stopping myself from analyzing; instead, i'll just do whatever seems intuitive.

4:18p
- decided against bringing my laptop. i can spend the evening eating food, reading, having conversation, and, perhaps, watching a movie. the rest of this log will be written.

4:21p
- took down dharma garden's phone number. excited to have some delicious vegan thai food tonight!

4:22p
- decided to wait a little while because there's no rush to get up to albany park. read email about how obama is committing to the climate talk negotiations happening in poland next month. exciting!

4:26p
- reading dharma garden menu - happened upon this: "Come to join us with lived music and Karaoke." - happy to see they have music that is lived rather than simply listened to. active participation. we're making progress.

4:31p
- feeling pretty great right now. still sitting. sitting still. paying attention to the way the reflection of the lamp looks on the surface of the table. reflection is a pretty incredible thing - both externally and internally.

4:34p
- time continues... read about a friend's adventures in europe. wished i could be in europe. thought about how great things are right here, though, and appreciated being mindful of one's location, rather than aspiring to be in one's non-location.

4:39p
- going to play a guitar for a little while...

4:50p
- finished playing guitar. resolved to leave at 5p to both finish the hour log project and to head up to albany park.

4:53p
- listened to song that i'm currently working on. trying to figure out in which direction to take it. also, thought about the fact that i'd really like to get a contact mic and see what i can do with it.

4:59p
- started reading interesting article about language and its essential use: that of communication. link: http://www.thehindu.com/mag/2008/11/16/stories/2008111650110400.htm

5:00p
- still reading. afterward, finally heading to albany park!

11:00-11:59 PM

more than an hour with little white seabass.

take another look,

we have no way of knowing
if we see the same color
for blue
we have been conditioned
the sky is blue
the ocean is blue
so anything resembling these hues
is called blue
I don't know if I ever really loved
you might see green
for my blue

Another Look

Let's take more looks.  

Let's look again and again toward ever unfolding possibilities.  Let's 

never pretend we've figured things out forever.  

Let's 

let 

go.  

Let's let people be themselves, free of preconception or 

expectation.  Free from fear.  

Free toward fulness of body, mind, 

heart, 

and soul.  

Let's always look again. 

Jam Session

Me on drums, fiance Rado on accordion, just a small sample from our jam session

harmoไน๊ซ์

kiss talking

TRY THIS:

1. Find someone you can kiss.

2. Decide together something to say.

3. Say it simultaneously, lips touching.

4. Harmonize.

Happy Birthday harmony

This afternoon I had the pleasure of hosting my brother and Ben Solee for lunch. Ben is a cellist/folk musician on tour, and he is playing tonight in Chicago. My brother and I both remembered that it was my dad's birthday today and we all sang in harmony to my dad over the phone while Ben played the the old tune. Happy Birthday Dad!

After a long talk.

Warm Tears.

3 Full Breaths.

lavender wand

I was discussing the purpose and beauty of my homemade lavender wand with Ryan and Jan (mostly magic and aromatherapy), and it soon became apparent that Jan should have this wand since she is always working so hard writing papers, reading, and being a really excellent student (and awesome!) She returned the gift with a 3 breath embrace. It's a pretty intense thing taking 3 breaths with someone, whatever their relationship to you...very spiritual. 

smells green      and pale blue.

1. Shoes

2. Painting